"Rocking Chairs"
(A Dramedy In Two Acts)
by Kenny Love
Copyright © 2009 Kenny Love All Rights Reserved
*NOTE:* Select ideas suggested by Ms. Tricia Glover for film/stage production purposes.
Special Note (The legal fine print): This play has been copyrighted with the United States Copyright Office, and is registered with the Library of Congress. It is fully protected under both United States and International copyright laws. No changes or alterations may be made without first obtaining the expressed written consent of the playwright. Any and all feedback is welcomed, encouraged and greatly appreciated.
(for 4 females and 7 males. 1 scene. 48 pages)
(Running time: 48 mins.)
[---What People Are Saying About "Rocking Chairs"---]
"Hi Kenny,
The dialogue is funny, interesting and flows. Ida Mae and James Earl are well-drawn. I can see them clearly. Ida Mae's need for dominance is interesting. The rocking chairs are interesting. With your wonderful, funny sense of dialogue, I think you'll end up with an interesting play that sizzles on stage, and makes people laugh as well.
Thanks for sharing your work."
Sincerely,
Jimmy Brunelle (National Playwright
____________________________________________"You have done a great job with this work and I, particularly, liked your presentation of the character, Sara."
- Dr. Edwardlene Willis, Author
"Mind Your Manners"
____________________________________________"Rocking Chairs is remarkably witty!"
- James Sutton, Librarian/John H. Wootters Library
____________________________________________"I enjoyed this script. I could almost see and hear the characters."
- Darlene Morton, Houston County Courier
____________________________________________"Rocking Chairs is very thought provoking. Young people need to see that older people are also multi-faceted."
- Sharlene Hoffmaster, Director/Crockett Public Library
____________________________________________"I really enjoyed the play. I felt like I knew all the characters and looking forward to more."
Tizsona Toval, Reviewer
____________________________________________"I really loved this play. The characters are vivid and easily playable. It appealed to me as an actor and as a writer."
- Whitney Moore, Author,
"Glitter and Diamonds: The Rise of David Wilde"
____________________________________________"Dear Kenny, I enjoyed the play about the Nursing Home."
Nicole M. Stevenson, Editor/Writer
First Cut online newsletter and Radio Host of First Cut
Artist First.com
____________________________________________"Hey Kenny:
Wanted to touch base with you and tell you I read the play, and think it’s great. I think it’s a simple but good and possibly accurate creation of a day at the nursing home. It's also funny, and I think it will make a great night out for people to watch."
Bruce Horne, Owner/Manager
New Artist Radio
____________________________________________"I read 'Rocking Chairs', and all I can say is...incredible! It was very funny. I will tell you this...as I was reading it, my wife was sitting next to me as I was laughing. She asked what was so funny. So, I started to read out loud, and we laughed together as I read. The only bad thing about the play, is that it is too short. We want more!"
Gene Albro
CHARACTERS:
IDA MAE: A bitter, ever meddling, domineering sixty-ish Southern woman who lives to win one of hers and James Earl's ritualistic rocking chair races. Dressed in an unattractive housecoat and house shoes.JAMES EARL: A sixty-ish happy-go-lucky soul in his twilight years, and one of the few residents who can efficiently spar with Ida. Dressed casually.MR. THOMAS: A retired teacher in his early seventies, now regretful as he reflects on his life. Dressed casually. Wears eyeglasses.NURSE DAVIS: An attractive middle-age woman (40-ish) about to re-marry, hoping to finally find happiness. Dressed in a nurse uniform.MRS. TISDALE: In her seventies, and a compulsive knitter. Dressed age-appropriate and wears eyeglasses.SARA: Approximately sixty-five years and believes her son will soon return to rescue her from the home. Was a WAC (Women’s Army Corps.) member. Dressed age-appropriate.GILBERT: In his seventies, squeamish, paranoid and claims to have worked for the CIA. Dressed in slacks, tee shirt and tennis. Wears “Buddy Holly” eyeglasses and stutters.MR. SAVALAS: 60-ish, standoffish, and wants to leave the center. Dressed casually.TIM: Sara’s son.ORDERLIES: Two males
SETTING:
The front lawn of the Peaceful Home Nursing Center located in the southern part of the United States. The residents sit in padded rocking chairs, reflecting in part on their lives. The males sit across from the females.
TIME:
Late summer afternoon.
PRODUCTION HISTORY:
This script is awaiting production.
STAGE REQUIREMENTS:
The stage should include two rows of four rocking chairs each that face each other, and approximately six feet apart. A prop door that opens onto the stage is optional.
SYNOPSIS:
Residents of the Peaceful Home Nursing Center assemble on its front lawn each evening to humorously reminisce on various aspects of their lives. Two particular residents (James Earl and Ida Mae) are constantly at each other’s proverbial throats, and humiliating each other in one form or another.
LIGHTS UP. THE RESIDENTS ARE SEATED, WITH A COUPLE OF THEM ROCKING. IDA MAE, IN HER USUAL FIGHT-PICKING MOOD, SHIFTS IN HER CHAIR, THEN GETS UP AND BEGINS PACING BACK AND FORTH.
IDA MAE: Seems like that slop they feedin’ us is gittin’ worse by tha damn meal! If I didn’t know better, I’d think they tryin’ ta starve us ta death. It's just a shame, I tell ya...just a low-down, dirty damn shame.JAMES EARL: (chuckling) Oh now, there’s nothing wrong with the food here, Ida Mae...stop your belly-aching. That’s just your oh so pitiful mind going faster and farther south at eighty miles an hour again, that’s all.IDA MAE: And, just how would you know any difference between good food and bad food, James Earl, especially after spending half yo' life eatin’ outa toxic garbage cans? Lord knows I hate to think what else you've eaten out, or eaten out of.JAMES EARL: They - were - not - toxic!(slams his hand down on the arm of his chair and leans forward) Just, how many times I got to keep telling you the same old thing you dont' ever seem to get? Just how many times, Ida Mae?IDA MAE: (rolls her eyes while counting her fingers on one hand with the other) Oh, let's see...1...2...3...only about a coupla hundred dozen mo' oughta do it. Then, I might start ta be convinced ya got a wee bit of truth to ya story there.JAMES EARL: (leans back in his chair with a relaxed expression) This is one day that I will not allow you to contribute to an elevation of my blood pressure again. So, if that's what you have on your toddler-size mind to do to me today-IDA MAE: (interrupting James Earl sarcastically) Your blood pressure…pressure, pressure...humph! Same ol’ lame-ass excuse all tha time and every day. Why, unfortunately, and I mean this in the most regrettable sense, you’re as healthy as a ol’ Texas bull!JAMES EARL: (mimics a cow) Mooooooo…(some of the residents chuckle) IDA MAE: (looks at James Earl disgustingly) Well, excuse me…cow. And, just as silly too.(she looks away) JAMES EARL: You silly old goose. It’s bad enough being stuck in this joint with you every day…if I had the balls I used to, I would have long ditched this place a long time ago and gotten far away from the likes of you, Ida Mae.
IDA MAE: (looks back at James Earl) Yes, indeed, castration’s a sonofabitch, ain’t it? Puttin' yo' ass in here sho' cut you down to the right size of nothing', didn't it?
(she points to James Earl and admonishes him) But, truthfully, you shouldn't let the absense of balls from castration stop you, even though it may slow ya down, Jimmy.
(Nurse Davis comes out, bubbly and smiling for checkups) NURSE DAVIS: Well, you all…time for your evening checkup…so, let's see...who’s on first base today?(all residents are silent) Oh, come on now, don't be shy.
MRS. TISDALE: (raises her hand) I’ll be glad to go first today, Nurse Davis.
NURSE DAVIS: That's great, Mrs. Tisdale.(the nurse moves to Mrs. Tisdale)
JAMES EARL: (with a serious tone) Ahem, now Nurse, you won’t need to take as long checking us this evening, because I think old Ida Mae over there just fell dead.(he points to Ida Mae) NURSE DAVIS: (snapping her head around in Ida Mae's direction What?(several residents chuckle) IDA MAE: (snarly) Ignore him, Nurse, ‘cause the only thing hanging dead around here of late is below his waist.(the remark causes "oohs" from several residents and
James Earl shifts in his chair)JAMES EARL: Yeah, right…wiggle, wiggle. How would you know? You been spying on me, you 'Peeping Mary'?IDA MAE: (turns fully to James Earl) Yeah, I been spyin’ on ya alright…nothin' better to do around this joint, and that's a new low, if I must say so, and I must. I seen it in tha shower, and I gotta tell ya…it sho’ ain’t no Olympics contender, that’s fer sure. You fit mo' with tha pee wee crowd.JAMES EARL: Nurse, don’t you have something you can give her that will make her mouth swell shut or, at least, give more more than a mild case of permanent lockjaw?NURSE DAVIS: Alright, you two, now don’t start all that up again. It seems like you are constantly at each others’ throats. If I didn't know better-
IDA MAE: If you didn't know better, what, Nurse Davis?NURSE DAVIS: If I didn't know better, I'd say you two have, at least, a long-time crush on each other?
(Ida Mae feigns surprise) IDA MAE: What you say? No way, no how, nowhere...ever!
SARA: Nurse Davis, have you heard from my son this week? He said he would be over this week.NURSE DAVIS: (sorrowfully) I’m sorry, Sara, but he hasn’t called this week. But, I'm sure he is tied up and will be over soon.SARA: Yes, he will be here soon enough. He promised to get me out of here, you know, to live with him and his family, and all.(positively) Perhaps, he’ll call next week.NURSE DAVIS: Perhaps he will, at that.(the nurse continues to check the residents) IDA MAE: (lunges from her chair and turns to stare at Sara) In a pig’s eye! In a cold day in hell! Why ya keep dreamin’? He ain’t comin’ back fer you! He's got his own life, his own family. When most kids today get away, they can't care less about the parents they leave behind.(Sara starts to weep and Mr. Thomas gets up and gives her a handkerchief) MR. THOMAS: (returning to his seat, he looks at Ida Mae sternly) Leave her alone. Don’t you think this place is depressing her enough without you having to dig in the knife and then twist it? Go on…let her be.IDA MAE: (sarcastically and turning to face Mr. Thomas) Well, now, the sleeping giant awakes. What are you hooraying about, Mr. Thomas? Yours ain’t comin’ back for you either! She dumped you in here just like her son did.(pointing to Sara while still looking at Mr. Thomas) She ain't coming back for you either. If you ask me, she's probably out cattin' around with some twenty or thirty year old. Sewing the last of her old wild oats.MR. THOMAS: (solemnly) I don’t have to worry about any of that, and if you knew my Christian wife, you wouldn't have even said such a thing.(he folds his arms, crosses his legs, and stares into the distance) IDA MAE: Yeah, they all Christian at some point...until, that is. In fact, listen up, all of ya. Ain’t none of ya sorry ass kids, wives, husbands, dogs, or cats comin’ back for any of ya. What ya think they put ya in here in the first place for? For a time share getaway vacation spot? Paradise In The Pines, it sho' ain't! They ought to have named it Weeping Willow.(she says assuredly while looking around at different residents) IDA MAE: If they come, it won’t be to get ya outa this prison that they got the nerve to call a nursing home. It will be to re-enlist you for more duty and keep you away from the public.(she holds her arm up and draws several circles in the air with her index finger) I ain't seen a whole lot of 'assisted living' either, but I seen some assisted dying off in here. Assisted living, my titty.
MR.THOMAS: You act like some sort of expert on our lives. You're no expert...on much of anything that I've seen. What do you know?
IDA MAE: Well, I know this. I know yer stuck in here fer life! I know that! And, I know ya ain't gettin' out either. Ya stuck! Stuck like Chuck E Cheese on cold winter day.
MR. THOMAS: No, you don’t. You don't know anything, like I said.
(Ida Mae takes a few steps around and surveys the other residents)
IDA MAE: Face it, now...it's nothing to be ashamed or scared of. Just accept that this is y'all's last frontier...where y’all will die, fer sure. On your old crackling backs and your ten corned toes pointing straight toward the good Lord. Every one o’ ya.
GILBERT: She’s right, you know…this does f-feel like a prison sometimes. I remember it from my C-CIA days…like the Gray B-Bar Hotel, it is…only not so restrictive.JAMES EARL: Oh, Lord…here we go with that tall tale again. I wish I had a Mai Tai right about now. Anybody know what the letters, CIA stand for?
(No one answers)
JAMES EARL: It stands for 'C? I'm a Ass!' I learned that's what it stands for when I was taking American History in Mr. Fandangle's class.(Gilbert stares into space while rubbing his chin) GILBERT: Yes, I remember it like it w-was yesterday.JAMES EARL: That’s because it was yesterday, when you were re-telling it, and the day before that, and the day before that too! In fact, I know the story so well, why don’t you give me a shot at it, Gilbert?MR. THOMAS: Aw, go ahead and humor him, James Earl…let him re-call, whether it’s true or not.GILBERT: It is t-true! Ahem, as I w-w-was rudely s-saying b-before I was interrupted…(Mrs. Tisdale chuckles) MRS. TISDALE: Isn’t that, ‘As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted’, Gilbert?GILBERT: Who’s c-counting?JAMES EARL: Just what did you do in the CIA anyway? Drive the getaway car?GILBERT: G-Getaway car? They have a getaway c-car? I never knew that.
(Gilbert looks surprised while James Earl shakes his head)
(Ida Mae teases) IDA MAE: That another one o' them lil' ol' blankets ya knittin’, Mrs. Tisdale?
(She moves toward Mrs. Tisdale) MRS. TISDALE: Yep, it's another one, Ida Mae...just like the last twenty when you asked the same question every time.IDA MAE: When ya think you’ll finish this one? Hope ya finish it before Fall. Last one took ya quite a spell, tsk, tsk, tsk.
(Ida Mae grins) MRS. TISDALE: Well, Ida Mae, if you must know, I think it will be finished when the last thread is pulled through it.(James Earl chuckles) JAMES EARL: You tell her, Mrs. Tisdale.IDA MAE: Well!(she moves away) Jus' tryin' ta make a lil small talk. Ya don’t have ta get so nasty 'bout it!(Ida Mae snaps here head around at James Earl) Shut up, James Earl! You ol’ toxic avenger you!
(JAMES EARL GRINS) JAMES EARL: Served you right.MRS. TISDALE: Nurse Davis, how are your wedding plans coming along?NURSE DAVIS: Just fine…thanks for asking. I'm really looking forward to it.
SARA: When’s the big knot-tying day?NURSE DAVIS: December 15th.JAMES EARL: Very slick…getting two days in a month for gifts.(The nurse smiles) MR. THOMAS: What does your fiancé do for a living?NURSE DAVIS: He’s in the Communications field.GILBERT: What’s his name? I might know him from my C-CIA days.(Gilbert grins) (Nurse Davis smiles)NURSE DAVIS: Somehow, I don’t think so, Gilbert. But, his name is Frank.MRS. TISDALE: Honest name, Frank.(Mr. Thomas saddens) MR. THOMAS: Love… I wish my wife, Vertie, was still alive and here with me. We sure would be having some fun in our last days.(shakes his head several times) NURSE DAVIS: Do you have children, Mr. Thomas?
MR. THOMAS: No, we never had any…one of my biggest regrets in life. Not leaving any offspring to carry us on.IDA MAE: (sarcastically) What? You didn’t want any?(she goes to her seat) MR. THOMAS: No, we did want kids but, sadly, Vertie couldn’t have any...had three miscarriages.JAMES EARL: That is sad, but you’re a good man…many men who wanted kids would have left the woman.MR. THOMAS: Well, I really loved Vertie, children or not. And as the vows go, “for better or worse…”
(turns slightly to James Earl)MRS. TISDALE: The way the world is today, I think kids are probably better off not coming into it.MR. THOMAS: That’s a pretty sad statement for you to make, Mrs. Tisdale.
(with concern)MRS. TISDALE: Well, it’s a pretty sad world today.MR. THOMAS: Oh, I suppose you’re right. It's nothing like it was.
(The nurse moves to another resident>) NURSE DAVIS: Well, I have two teenagers from my previous marriage, and I constantly worry about them daily…mostly, about their safety, but also about what their future is going to be like...how difficult is going to be as the world keeps turning.SARA: Well, the world was certainly a much different place when we were growing up, don’t you think?NURSE DAVIS: Indeed, it was.JAMES EARL: Depends on your point of view or perspective on it.MR. THOMAS: How so?JAMES EARL: Well, in some ways it was better, and in some ways, worse.SARA: How?JAMES EARL: For instance, air and water were cleaner, and food was more nutritious. Now, the fruit don't even taste the same, coming straight out of God's floor.MRS. TISDALE: And, at the same time, racism and oppression were as commonplace as the clean air and water.JAMES EARL: Right. Well, that still hasn’t changed a whole lot like it should have. Sometimes, it's hard to tell where progress begins and ends.MR. THOMAS: Yes, technology has certainly done very little to change our primitive social attitudes, hasn't it? Guess that old saying, ‘While we were smart enough to put a man in outer space, we are still too stupid to get along with our next door neighbor,’ carries a lot of truth.JAMES EARL: You got that right…you said a mouthful there.
GILBERT: They didn't send a man to the moon.
JAMES EARL: What?
GILBERT: No, they di-didn't...they t-took the astronauts out to...to...to the Sonoran Desert that's between A-A-Arizona and C-California. The desert is 120,000 sq-square mi-miles and the government cleared of about forty acres and dropped 'em in it from C-130 airplanes.
NURSE DAVIS: I heard a similar story too. Well, overall, I believe the world has changed quite a bit, for the better.(the nurse leaves) JAMES EARL: (grunts in response to the nurse's remark) That’s a pipe dream remark, if ever I heard one. Wasn't she just saying how she worries about her kids' safety?IDA MAE: (laughing) Aw, why don’t ya stop yer reminiscin’ ‘bout the past? Ain’t nothin’ you can do to straighten’ it out now anyway. Like I said, you're all goners...just sit back and let the buzzards drop by ya for ya last meal. At least, it's one way outa this hell hole.JAMES EARL (forcefully) Who said anything about straightening anything out, you old bitty? Cluck cluck cluck…that’s all you ever do, is cluck, cluck, and then cluck some more! I'm getting so tired of your clucking, I could just-IDA MAE: (snarly) You could just what, James Earl? Say it! If you dare. And, who the hell you callin’ old? Go ahead and laugh all ya want, the lot of ya! Be a different story tonight, won’t it?MR. THOMAS: What are you hammering about now, Ida Mae?IDA MAE: (she stands) Don’t ya try to pretend with me, Mr. T…you know damn well what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.(she grins slyly) I hear ya a-whimperin’ late at night, when ya think everybody’s asleep and nobody's listen'. In fact, I’ve heard most of ya whimperin’ at one time or another.(she points to the rest of the group) What ya whimperin’ about at night, Mr. T?(she points to Mr. Thomas) MR. THOMAS: (angrily) You shut up…you know nothing!IDA MAE: Yeah, well, even if I don't, don’t fault a girl for tryin’ ta find out and help ya sort it all out.MR. THOMAS: Girl, my ass.IDA MAE: Let me guess…of days long gone? Of yesteryears you’ll never see again? Which one is it? Hey, maybe it's both, huh?MR. THOMAS: (leans forward in his chair and stares angrily at Ida Mae) Shut up...shut up right this minute. That's enough! Enough, I tell you!SARA: How do you know we haven’t heard you crying, Ida Mae?JAMES EARL: Yeah, you old cluck cluck! How ya know that?IDA MAE: (places her hands on her hips) Me? Ha! Surely, thou doth jest!MRS. TISDALE: (stops her knitting and looks at Ida Mae over her glasses) Wow! You almost sound ed-u-ma-cated. Didn’t know you had it in you. Was that last part Shakespearean?(returns to knitting) IDA MAE: (brushing back her hair, she answers assertively) I’ll have ya know I was almost an actress! I almost coulda been somebody!JAMES EARL: An actress, huh? Oh, you mean like Marlon Brando coulda been a contender in ‘On the Waterfront’? Key word…almost.(he points to her) IDA MAE: What ya mean? Didn’t you see me in-(several of the residents cut her off simultaneously) GROUP: Noooooo!
IDA MAE: (slightly passive response) …the Geico commercial?JAMES EARL: Oh, yeah! The little green gecco! I thought your voice sounded familiar. But, how’d they make you up all green like that?IDA MAE: Humph! Y’all wouldn’t know talent if it walked up and stuck its tongue halfway in your ear.(several residents register their disgust with her remark) JAMES EARL: Now, that is some kind of nasty low…even for you…gives the term, ‘wax job’, a whole new meaning. Just make sure I never get my ear too close to what your tongue has to say.
IDA MAE: Why, I wouldn't stick my tongue in your nasty little ear if I had a pina colada flavored condom on it. No tellin' where either one of them ears o' yours been.
JAMES EARL: Thanks be to the Lord for small hygienic blessings.
SARA: Is that why you always knock people down? Because you never got what you wanted? Is that it, Ida Mae?IDA MAE: I don’t always knock people down. And, who says I didn’t get what I wanted anyway? What do you know?MR. THOMAS: It doesn’t really need to be said…you show it every day through your meddling insults.(chuckling) IDA MAE: (sarcastically) Whatever. Anybody got a cigarette?JAMES EARL: No, we’re too old to smoke, and will get a spanking if we're caught.MR. THOMAS: Ida, you are in serious denial…you are always putting people down.IDA MAE:
I am not!
JAMES EARL: Am too!IDA MAE:
Am not!
JAMES EARL: Am too, you old cluck cluck!IDA MAE: (yells) Well, if I ever do put people down, they must deserve it. And, stop calling me ‘Cluck Cluck’, ya trash-eatin’ nut!JAMES EARL: Cluck Cluck!IDA MAE: (screams) Arrrrrrrgh!(she goes to her seat) Alright, that did it! Get ready, James Earl! I’ve had just about all I can take off you already. It’s re-match time!MRS. TISDALE: (stops knitting again and looks at Ida Mae) Uh oh, not again.JAMES EARL: Yes, I'm afraid so. Don’t do this…you don’t wanna do this…you remember what happened last time, don’t you?IDA MAE: Last time ain’t this time. Like T. D. Jakes always says…”Get ready, get ready, get ready!”SARA: Yeah, but he’s not talking about old folks racing rocking chairs and falling out of them, numbskull. Last time, you ended up in the infirmary for a week.IDA MAE: (ignoring Sara's remark) Somebody count us out!MR. THOMAS: On your mark!JAMES EARL: Think about the consequences, Ida Mae.IDA MAE:
Shut up, rooster!
JAMES EARL: Another sore butt.MR. THOMAS: Get Set!JAMES EARL: Endless pain, misery, and above all, embarrassment.MR. THOMAS: Ready!JAMES EARL: I got a feeling this is gonna go real bad for ya, Ida Mae…just like last time, and the time before that, and that time in front of that one too.IDA MAE: Yeah? Well, this one's fer you!MR. THOMAS: 1001!IDA MAE: Aw, git on with it, will ya?MR. THOMAS: 1001.5!IDA MAE: Will you git on with it, fer Pete’s sake?JAMES EARL: Ida?MR. THOMAS: Go!(Ida and James Earl scoot their chairs feverishly to the center of the group, then turn and begin racing to some imaginary finish line as the other residents begin cheering them on)
JAMES EARL: (breathing heavily) Better watch out…you don’t…twist something out of…place again.IDA MAE:
(also breathing heavily) Well, you ain’t…got that…worry…do ya? ‘Cause…you ain’t got nothing…ta twist outa place!MRS. TISDALE: (to Sara) I guess that old saying is true.SARA: What’s that?MRS. TISDALE: That when some of us get this age, we become children all over again. All we are missing is the diaper, and some of us even have that.(Sara laughs as Ida flips her chair and some of the group rush to assist her) IDA MAE: (flailing her arms wildly) Git away from me! Git away, all o’ ya! Ya like a swarm of mosquitoes!JAMES EARL: (raising his arms and cheering) I win! I win! I told you that would happen again, didn’t I? You just ain’t got no coordination, Cluck Cluck…none at all. Not even a little bit.(Sara yells) Nurse Davis! Nurse Davis! Help!(the nurse rushes out to Ida Mae) NURSE DAVIS: Are you hurt?IDA MAE: Yeah, but only when I look sideways at James Earl.NURSE DAVIS: Well, try to stand.JAMES EARL: (with a toothy grin) Third time’s a charm, Cluck…when you wanna go again, just let me know.NURSE DAVIS: (sternly) Listen! If you all persist in racing these chairs, I may have to remove them.(the group protests) GILBERT: (whiny) P-Please don’t take away our ch-chairs, at least, not all of us. We love our chairs. Just t-take th-theirs.IDA MAE: (shaking her head at Gilbert) That is just so damn pathetic.MRS. TISDALE: Yes, it’s only they who race…none of the rest of us would ever dare try that at our age.MR. THOMAS: That’s right…it’s their chairs that you should take away.IDA MAE: Thomas, you just as guilty ‘cause you always count us off.MR. THOMAS: Well, as of now, consider me retired. So, just go…go find yourself another starter. See if I care.(Mr. Thomas motions with his hand to support his statement while Ida Mae gives him a mean look as the nurse helps her to her chair)
NURSE DAVIS: I have to make my other rounds…now, can I trust you two to behave yourselves? To stop acting childish and racing these rocking chairs?SARA: I think they’ve learned their lesson…if they start again, I will be sure to come get you the moment they do.IDA MAE: (To Sara) Tattletale.(she sticks her tongue out at Sara) NURSE DAVIS: Are you sure you’re okay? Maybe you ought to come with me to the infirmary, just to be sure.IDA MAE: I’m just fine…don’t need no lookin’ at. Besides, got my suspicions ‘bout that new young Dr. Sanchez. I think he’s a potential masher.(smiles, whispers, and winks) I like mashers.(the nurse shakes her head, smiles, and leaves) JAMES EARL: (laughing) Are you nuts? Sanchez is young enough to be your grandson. Besides, have you seen his 'young' wife? She’s beautiful! He wouldn't give you the time of day or night.IDA MAE: That don’t mean nothin’…he looks like the type to have a ‘older woman’ fetish. And, I bet he would give me some night time.(Mr. Thomas laughs) SARA: Lord, Ida…you certainly are quite a piece of work.IDA MAE: Well, he could have. And, I ain’t no bad looker, ya know.(brushes her hair from her face) After all, I’ll have you know that I was almost an actress.(the group joins her on her saying, “…almost an actress."
IDA MAE: Well, I was…no need to be coy ‘bout it. After all, I'll have you know I was quite a catch in my heyday, if I must say so.JAMES EARL: Yeah, yeah, so says you. Well, I'd personally like to find the fisherman who reeled you in as a catch and thank him with a pellet right between the old soul windows. Besides, Hollywood’s got enough ugly actresses, so why don't you do us all a huge favor and turn in your SAG card.
IDA MAE: You really think I'm ugly James Earl...do ya really?
(she bats her eyes at James Earl while twisting a lock of her hair) Oh, Lord, Ida Mae.MRS. TISDALE:
JAMES EARL: Well, maybe not exactly ugly. Ugly may be too strong a word. But, maybe, uh...facially challenged?
IDA MAE: (Ida Mae throws up her hands in disgust) Whatever. Y’all wouldn’t know talent if it French kissed ya straight up your little round-MRS. TISDALE: Ida!IDA MAE: Sorry…I almost lost my positive train of thought there for a minute.
MR. THOMAS: I used to act in plays when I was in college...was fairly good at it too.IDA MAE: (sarcastically) Yeah? What you ever been in?MR. THOMAS: Well, let’s see now…we did Twelve Angry Men, for one.JAMES EARL: That oughta prepared you for this place.(Mr. Thomas grins) GILBERT: I remember I did s-some acting too while I was in the CIA, but I c-can’t remember for what.JAMES EARL: Gilbert, that's probably a good thing, but let me guess…you probably had to act like a bullet was around every corner waitin’ on ya.GILBERT: Yeah, that’s it! Now, I remember! It was exactly that, James Earl!(James Earl stares at Gilbert for several moments) JAMES EARL: Gilbert, let me ask you something personal, man. Have you ever thought about seeing a doctor?GILBERT: What kind of doctor? For what?JAMES EARL: Let me get back to you on that when I figure it out.IDA MAE: Alright! Enough of all this acting talk…change the subject.SARA: To what?IDA MAE: Who said I wanted to talk ‘bout anythang?MRS. TISDALE: That’s a first...you're usually an open source news channel.IDA MAE: Oh, I don’t know…(her voice trails off as she stares into space) What’s left to talk about at our age? The memories, they are a-fadin’.MRS. TISDALE: Don’t sound so glum…things always get better.
IDA MAE: No, they don't.
MRS. TISDALE: Yes, they do too.
IDA MAE: No, they don't...they get worse, and worse, and then, they get worse some more...all the time...every day, in every way...they get worse.
MRS. TISDALE: Ida Mae, you are wrong...they get better.
IDA MAE: They didn’t for you.(chuckles) MRS. TISDALE: You’re a mean, mean grinch!SARA: How long have you been here, Mrs. Tisdale?MRS. TISDALE: About twelve years, now.IDA MAE: Twelve years? Why, you must have come in here in your late fifties!MRS. TISDALE: That’s about right.IDA MAE: Why, that’s horrible!GILBERT: What h-happened?MRS. TISDALE: What do you mean, ‘What happened’?GILBERT: Most of us have only b-been here three or four years, tops. Fifty-ish is s-sort of young to be put in here.MRS. TISDALE: Who says I was put in here? Maybe I committed myself. People do that sort of crazy thing, you know.GILBERT: People don't commit themselves...d-do they?SARA: If you are out of life’s options, and can’t take care of yourself, you can, and maybe should, have yourself committed.MR. THOMAS: That’s right.IDA MAE: (sarcastically) Were ya out of options, Mrs. Tisdale? Is that what it was?MRS. TISDALE: In the worst of ways…in the very worst of ways…(her voice trails off as the residents look at each other) JAMES EARL: Heard you were rich.MRS. TISDALE: If you want to call it that, but I wouldn't be so quick to put that overly used label on it.IDA MAE: What do ya mean? Either ya were, or ya were not. 'Cause anything in the middle just means you are only a sneeze away from sour pinto beans in a soup line.MRS. TISDALE: I suppose I had enough to keep me in a little better than creature comfort for a spell or two.IDA MAE: Creature comfort.(she chuckles) Is that what you rich folks call it? Well, in that case, I'd settle just for the creature, for once. Hell, I'd even settle for the creature's shell as long as it's green and spendable.SARA: So, what happened, Mrs. Tisdale?MRS. TISDALE: (bitterly speaking under her breath) Relatives…that’s what happened…that’s what almost always happens with money…after taxes, that is.MR. THOMAS: What? They took your money?MRS. TISDALE: You might say that. You might say that, indeed. They acted as if I was too old and too stupid to manage my own money that I had worked hard for and managed for over forty years.MR. THOMAS: So, how-MRS. TISDALE: Look! I don’t want to talk about it anymore.(she slams her knitting to the ground and walks a few paces away as everyone is silent for a few moments. She returns shortly and begins knitting again.)
IDA MAE: Must be hell to lose a bunch o’ money like that...livin' so high on the hog all that time, then BLAM! The old rug is yanked right out from under ya like a Houdini copycat.JAMES EARL: I wouldn’t know anything about the rich side of life…never had more than a pocketful of loose change at any one time to lose. Hell, maybe I’m better off for not ever getting rich, who knows?IDA MAE: Serves you right, you ol’ gamblin’ fool…always tryin’ ta pitch pennies, run some ridiculous wild hair game, and race little old ladies in rocking chairs. You ought not ta have nothin’.JAMES EARL: Little old lady? What little old lady? Who? You? Ha! Yeah, and I'm the Santa Claus of Christmas Past.IDA MAE: Just like I said, it serves you right. Nothing from nothing always leaves something...nothing! That's what you dealt in the game and that's what you got out of it with.MRS. TISDALE: Don't talk like that, Ida Mae...you're just being very wrong with saying that. Everyone deserves the best life can offer, Ida. Perhaps, even you.JAMES EARL: Yeah, hush, Ida Mae...you talk just too dang much, and most of the time. Always talking and walking. You're just a human talkie walkie, with a busted channel set on zero.IDA MAE: Hush yourself, James Earl. In fact, hush up!SARA: The way you two always carry on, people could easily mistake you for a married couple or, at least, significant others. You sure you two haven't been an item in the past?IDA MAE: You bite your tongue in two, Missy! I wouldn’t be caught dead married to that ol’ fool! He's just a numbskull and needs to just shut up and leave me alone. Besides, I can’t stand men from the north anyway.JAMES EARL: Well, that makes two of us, because I sure can’t stand most southern women, most of present company excluded, that is, and with the inclusion being Ida Mae here. I sure hope you don't ever serve as the national representative for the southern female.
IDA MAE: (accusatory) Fast-talking northern men…always think they’re so cool, slick, and got it going on. And, they come down here and really try to get over on us nice, pristine southern girls like we’re easy marks. The original confidence men, the flim flam johnnies...that’s what they really are. That's all they really are.GILBERT: What’s a confidence man? I think I might know a few.MR. SAVALAS: It’s a man who swindles people, usually successfully for their money after he has gained their confidence.JAMES EARL: The term sounds like reverse sexism to me, because I sure have seen my share of ‘confidence women’. In fact, I'm willing to bet there are a lot more of the female persuasion than the male.MR. THOMAS: There’s another name for women swindlers…’gold diggers’.JAMES EARL: Southern belles. Always getting their chimes rung.MR. SAVALAS: What’s that mean?IDA MAE: Yeah, whaddaya mean by that crap?JAMES EARL: Well, since you sound like such an expert on northern men, obviously, you must have experience with them.IDA MAE: So, what if I do? What's it to ya?MR. THOMAS: Sounds like he got the better part of you, Ida, whoever he was.SARA: You mean whatever he was.IDA MAE: Nobody gets the better part of Ida Mae! Nobody! Not even he could! Oops!(she covers her mouth with her hand) MR. THOMAS: Of course not…he just left you embittered for life…all these years.IDA MAE: Don’t fool yoself…that’s not bitterness you see.MR. SAVALAS: Looks like it to me.IDA MAE: Naw…that’s raw self-defense that says nobody will never, ever get the drop on this ol’ heart again. If any droppin’ gits done, believe you me, I’ll be doin’ the droppin'.SARA: All of these years.IDA MAE: What?SARA: You have been unhappy all of these years because of one bad relationship. My, how much you have lost.
JAMES EARL: Maybe, there was more than one bad relationship with old Ida Mae there. Wouldn't surprise me one damn bit.
IDA MAE: I'll never tell...at least, not while the sun is shining. Like I said…take no chance, and you don’t have to worry ‘bout it.JAMES EARL: That’s okay, Ida…I won’t tell ‘em how much you really love me.IDA MAE: What?
JAMES EARL: Maybe next time.IDA MAE: What do you mean, ‘next time’?
JAMES EARL: Well, I’ll make you a promise…if we both are ever so fortunate to come back to life again, I promise to look you up and buy you from the local pet store…long as you don’t mind a leash.IDA MAE: You’re pathetic too. Anyway, how you know it won’t be you on my leash? My three-feet leash, with two and a half feet devoted to wrapping around my hand. Leaves you about six inches to play with. Now, James Earl, be sure to concentrate slowly on the last part of my statement...six inches to play with.
(the group snickers) MRS. TISDALE: Nice to see you two back at it again…it was starting to get depressing.JAMES EARL: ‘Cause I say my prayers at night, long and hard, that’s how I know. And, God answers prayer...that is, if you believe in him.IDA MAE: He ain’t said nothin’ ‘bout answerin’ yo' prayer.JAMES EARL: Did you know God answers prayer, Ida Mae?IDA MAE: You ain’t got nothin’ to pray for, you ol’ goat, ‘cause you always ask for the wrong thang. What you been prayin’ for this time?JAMES EARL: You…I’ve been praying for you.IDA MAE: Praying for me?JAMES EARL: Yeah, you.IDA MAE: Why me?JAMES EARL: I’ve been praying that, if you and I come back a second time together, and I buy you from the pet store, you won’t cost me a lot of money for the Alpo I’m going to feed you, because you sure not worth Science Diet.IDA MAE: Why, you blasphemer! God’s gon’ strike you dead for messin’ over women and using His name in vain! And, it would serve you just right!JAMES EARL: I haven’t messed over any women or used God’s name in vain. Now you, on the other hand, I'm not so sure about.IDA MAE: Never mind me, but I've got the inside story on, at least, one woman you messed over. An, messed over big time, from what I hear!JAMES EARL: Who is she, Ida Mae? Tell me so we'll both know.IDA MAE: Nope. That's for me to know, and for you to pay for. Blasphemer! Why, you’re so funny, I forgot to fart sideways.JAMES EARL: Don’t worry about farting sideways, ‘cause you do such a damn good job at it in a straight direction. Just make sure you keep the rest of those zingers pointed downwind.MR. THOMAS: You two should have been a vaudeville team…you’re almost worth a half-price admission.IDA MAE: (sarcastically) Aw, Gee whiz…if we sold tickets, would you also want fries with them?MR. THOMAS: Uh, not really.IDA MAE: These daily idle chatter sessions with y’all are startin' ta drive me plumb crazy! Makin' my teeth itch and my hair hurt.JAMES EARL: Hmm…that’s a short trip around the house and back.IDA MAE: Why don’t somebody start bringin’ out a radio to listen to, so we don’t have ta listen to James Earl all the time? Then, I could practice my dancin’.(Ida Mae does a suggestive dance) I’m sorry, Mr. T…come dance with me…let me liven ya up a bit.MR. THOMAS: There’s no music, and I sure don’t need to be ‘livened up’.JAMES EARL: Well, saints be praised, because this right here is enough of a sordid one-woman show in itself, I tell you.IDA MAE: (still suggestively dancing while moving closer to Mr. Thomas) That’s okay…we’ll just get James Earl to howl a few bars at the moon so we can keep time.JAMES EARL: Wish I had a silver bullet for you, Cluck Cluck.IDA MAE: (still moving toward and focused on Mr. Thomas, who is now becoming uneasy) Maybe I can get one for Christmas for ya, but with one condition…you gotta try it out on yourself first, Russian Roulette style, just to make sure it works.JAMES EARL: Sure thing, Cluck Cluck.IDA MAE: (stops, turns toward, and points to James Earl) One day, you’re gonna call me ‘Cluck Cluck’ one too many times.JAMES EARL: Okay, since you’re bored with ‘Cluck Cluck’, would you prefer ‘CC’ instead? Yeah, that sounds a little more endearing and cuter, doesn’t it? I like it.MRS. TISDALE: I very much enjoy these enlightening evenings with you all, as ill fated as they often are. But, I might have to quit my daily sit session as these chairs are starting to test my hemorrhoids.IDA MAE: Thanks for that welcoming visual image and info, especially since it’s so close to dinnertime.GILBERT: Why don’t you just get a thicker c-cushion?SARA: That’s a good idea, Gilbert.MRS. TISDALE: Yes, but the only problem is that using a thicker pillow will make my bottom warm.IDA MAE: What’s wrong with a warm bottom?MRS. TISDALE: Nothing, I suppose…that is, if you’re still interested in having a warm bottom, butt, whatever.IDA MAE: You’re not?MRS. TISDALE: Why, no! Are you?IDA MAE: Mercy! May the good Lord strike me down ‘fore I reach the ‘no mo' warm bottom for me’ phase of life.JAMES EARL: Keep racing rocking chairs…with your driving record, you won’t have to wait long for a strike down or a warm bottom. You can get the simultaneous economy package.IDA MAE: (ignoring James Earl) Uh, Mr. Savalas…any relation to Telly?MR. SAVALAS: Who?IDA MAE: The actor who used to play Kojak.
MR. SAVALAS: : Who?
IDA MAE: Bald head? Lollipop?
(Savalas continued his blank stare) IDA MAE: (chuckling> Never mind. Geez.(Nurse Davis returns) MR. SAVALAS: Nurse, I don’t want to stay here…these people are stupid, and are upsetting me.(the group murmurs) NURSE DAVIS: Mr. Savalas, this is only your first week here. Please give them a chance, and I believe you will find them to be fairly friendly.JAMES EARL: Ida Mae excluded, naturally.MR. THOMAS: (with concern) Nurse Davis?NURSE DAVIS: It’s okay, Mr. Thomas…Mr. Savalas is going to be just fine, aren’t you?MR. SAVALAS: No, I’m not.(he stands and pushes his chair backward) I want out of here, and I’m going to get out of here too! You won’t keep me locked up like some caged animal!GILBERT: You keep t-talking like that, and they will put you in S-Solitary for a whole week...that's seven days, you know...seven, long, isolated days.NURSE DAVIS: No one is going to Solitary, Gilbert. Try to calm down and get to know everyone, Mr. Savalas.(the nurse leaves) IDA MAE: So, Mr. Savalas…what’s your story?MR. SAVALAS: What’s that?MR. THOMAS: She’s being nosy, as usual…an overzealous trait of hers...trying to find out where you come from.MR. SAVALAS: What’s it to you?IDA MAE: Just something else ta know, that’s all.MR. SAVALAS: Well, know this…it’s none of your damn business!IDA MAE: Why, that’s the second time I’ve been insulted in less than twenty-four hours, and I don't like it.(Mr. Savalas picks up his chair, then goes to look out the window) MR. SAVALAS: All that freedom out there, all that life...and look at me...stuck in here with a bunch of old loony toons!IDA MAE: Takes one to know a few.MR. SAVALAS: I’m getting out of this dump today.IDA MAE: And go where? And how?MR. SAVALAS: Why? So you can tell that nurse?IDA MAE: Not my call.SARA: You want some company?MR. SAVALAS: Company?SARA: Yes, company…with your escape.MR. SAVALAS: You trying to set me up, or something?SARA: No…why would we do that?MR. SAVALAS: Well, why you trying to hitch a ride on my train?SARA: I’m just taking an opportunity to get to my son and his family. I’ve been wanting to do that for some time now.MR. SAVALAS: Well, buy a ticket at another station, sister. This train is all booked up. Rotten filthy old place.(he returns to his seat) IDA MAE: There’s something about you I can’t quite put my finger or toe on.MR. SAVALAS: Who are you talking about? Me? You talking about me?IDA MAE: Yeah, you.MR. SAVALAS: Why am I such a treasure map to you?IDA MAE: Ain’t nobody said nothin’ ‘bout you bein’ no treasure map, now, honey. You just stranger than strange, that’s all.MR. SAVALAS: (to the men) Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.MR. SAVALAS: Okay, Ida, since your nose might break off if I don’t say something…(Savalas motions for Ida Mae to come closer, with his softly asking...) Can you keep a secret?IDA MAE: Sure, I can…why, my middle name is ‘Secret’.MR. SAVALAS: I thought your middle name was ‘Mae’.IDA MAE: Oh, that’s just on full moon nights.(she grins slyly) MRS. TISDALE: Ha!IDA MAE: What are you ‘Ha-ing’ about?MRS. TISDALE: You better watch it. Asking her to keep a secret is like asking a fox to guard a chicken overnight.JAMES EARL: Ida, if you can keep a secret, you should know that I’m a retired train conductor, and I was a damn good one too, if I must say so.MR. SAVALAS: I need your strictest confidence that you can keep a secret.IDA MAE: I will! The suspense is killing me already!MR. SAVALAS: Funny you should say, ‘killing’, because over the last several years, unfortunately, I committed a few murders.IDA MAE: (frightened, she backs away) Oh, my God!SARA: Dear, Lord! You can't be serious!(the men look at each other with puzzled expressions) IDA MAE: Did y’all hear that?
GILBERT: (grinning) Nah, that’s not t-true…is it?MR. SAVALAS: Oh, yes, it’s very true.(Mr. Savalas shifts in his seat, with a stern expression) IDA MAE: (horrified) A murderer? Why ain't you servin’ time somewhere instead of in here with us sane people?MR. THOMAS: Debatable.IDA MAE: (snaps her head at Mr. Thomas) Shut up!(turns back to Mr. Savalas) MR. SAVALAS: Because nobody believes me. Now, you promised to keep this a secret, remember?IDA MAE: (nervously and quickly) No, I didn’t.MR. SAVALAS: (insistent) Yes, you certainly did.IDA MAE: (equally insistent) I most certainly did not!(shaking her head vigorously) I promised no such thang!JAMES EARL: (sarcastically) Ida, I cannot tell a lie, for I did hear you make a promise not to tell.IDA MAE: Why you talkin’ so stupid like that? Did you hear what he said? He said he’s a murderer! Keep that a secret and we’ll end up with a cut throat some night.MR. SAVALAS: Who says I got to do it at night? I might do it one early morning, or even right now. Would you like yours sliced and diced? Or, would you prefer yours have a simple slit?IDA MAE: (frantic) Oh, my God! He’s right!(she looks around at the group) He can probably kill any one of us at any time! Somebody call the nurse! Somebody call the police! What am I saying? Somebody call the damn FBI!GILBERT: Maybe, s-somebody ought to c-call the CIA.IDA MAE: (she turns to Gilbert) Oh, the hell with the CIA! What good are they? Look how you ended up!MRS. TISDALE: Mr. Savalas is probably just joshing. Calm down.IDA MAE: No…no, he’s not joshing. He’s got those dark little beady eyes. Beady eyes always belong to a killer…mark my words...he's a killer, fer sure.GILBERT: Come on...even I know that you cannot tell someone is a k-k-killer just by looking at his eyes, Ida.IDA MAE: Shut up, Gilbert. You were not in the CIA. Why, they wouldn’t even let you drive a milk truck down an airport runway.GILBERT: Now, that r-really hurts.IDA MAE: Shut up, I say! There are far more important issues here…like staying alive another day and out of the clutches of Mr. Beady Eyes here. (she points to Savalas) What’d ya kill ‘em with…an axe?MR. SAVALAS: Yes, an axe…I used an axe…the short-handle kind…best for quick chopping jobs.IDA MAE: No, no…you’re not the axe kind. You look more like…the silencer type. Yes…you used a silencer on a gun…probably a .45, or a .380…something like that, didn’t you? Didn’t you?JAMES EARL: A weapons expert…hmm…that's fresh.MR. SAVALAS: Well, if you must know, in some of them, I did use a .22 Browning Buckmark. Makes less noise than the .45 or .380.IDA MAE: Yeah, I bet you did. A pro all the way, huh?MR. SAVALAS: (laughing) Okay, I’ll come clean. I’m not a murderer…just a tired old shoe salesman.(he goes away from the group, contemplating) IDA MAE: Shoe salesman?JAMES EARL: (laughs hearty) Had ya going there, didn’t he, Cluck Cluck?(James Earl grins) IDA MAE: (confidently) Ha! I’m not that stupid…I was just playin’ along, that's all…just humorin’ him and honing my acting skills. Why, I knew he was jokin’ all tha time.SARA: Yeah, right…especially, when sweat beads started popping out on your forehead when he mentioned the choice of times for your demise.IDA MAE: Well, I will have you know, Missy, that sweat beads happen to me whenever I get a bit…excited, thank you.MRS. TISDALE: Yeah, yeah, yeah…JAMES EARL: Well, don’t you get excited too often, ‘cause it’s sure a damn ugly site when you do.(Sara goes to Mr. Savalas and whispers) SARA: So, what time do we leave?MR. SAVALAS: What?SARA: The center…what time are we making our great escape?(Savalas suddenly moves behind Sara, grabs her, then places his left arm under her neck while withdrawing an already open knife with his right hand from his pants pocket and placing its tip at her throat. Gasps come from the other residents)
IDA MAE:
(screams) He's got a knife!
JAMES EARL: No kidding...I thought that was a BIC fine point pen...my eyesight must be getting worse.
MR. SAVALAS: Right now…we’re leaving right this minute.(Savalas starts to back away with Sara in tow while the others watch) JAMES EARL: What are you doing, Savalas?MR. SAVALAS: What does it look like I’m doing? I’m taking a hostage and making the old American great escape.GILBERT: Don’t you need a g-getaway car, like we had in the C-CIA?SARA: (calmly) Please…you don’t need the knife. I will go with you freely, just like I said I would.(James Earl and Mr. Thomas arise from their seats while staring at Savalas)
MR. SAVALAS: That’s not the point…they’ve got to know that I'm serious...that I mean business, and having you along will spell it out very clearly.IDA MAE: Helllllp!MR. SAVALAS: Stop that screaming, you!IDA MAE: Help! Savalas has a knife!MR. SAVALAS: I said be quiet!(two male orderlies and Nurse Davis burst out the door, followed by Sara's son, Tim. The orderlies gradually approacH Savalas and Sara.
TIM: Mom?SARA: Tim! You’re finally here!TIM: Yes, mom…I came to take you home.MR. SAVALAS: Stay back! I’ll use this thing on her! I’ll cut her! I mean it!Orderly 1: Careful…you don’t want to do that.
MR. SAVALAS: I’ll be the judge of what I want to do! Now, stay back, Bulky!Orderly 2: How do you plan escaping over a ten-feet fence?
SARA: Okay, this was a bad idea, and I’ve changed my mind about leaving with you.MR. SAVALAS: What?(he chuckles) Like you have a choice?
SARA: Yes, I do.
(Sara stamps her heel on Savalas' foot and he yells in pain and releases her) MR. SAVALAS: Ow! Oh, my corns!(Sara turns around quickly to grab Savalas' knife hand by the wrist and twists it to bring his arm behind his back as he, again, yelps in pain. The orderlies rush over, take him by the arms, and lead him away) TIM: Cool, Mom! (Tim grins, goes to his mother, and gives her a hug)MR. THOMAS: Whoa! Where did you learn moves like that?SARA: I was a WAC, and some things stay with you like a laxative.MR. THOMAS: A WAC? What’s that?SARA: Women’s Army Corps, Third Platoon, Company 1, Fort Des Moines, Iowa, 1965.MR. THOMAS: You don’t say…(voice trails)JAMES EARL: Can you teach me that to use on Ida Mae?(Sara smiles) GILBERT: That was great!TIM: Ready to go home?SARA: Just for a visit?TIM: No, permanently…I’ve already signed you out.SARA: Excellent!(she elevates a clenched fist and dons a smile) What do you say to that, Ida Mae?IDA MAE: (sneering) You'll be back.
SARA: Well, I may be, but only in a re-run.
MRS. TISDALE: Sara’s just full of surprises for you today, isn’t she Ida Mae?
(IDA MAE SAYS NOTHING) SARA: By Georgina, I believe, for once, she’s speechless!JAMES EARL: I know something that will get old Cluck Cluck talking again. Hey, Cluck Cluck…ready to put another bruise on the other side of your butt?IDA: Naw, but I’m ready to put one on each side of yours.JAMES EARL: Don’t mind if I do.SARA: Nurse Davis is going to take your chairs this time.(Nurse Davis sticks her head out the door) NURSE DAVIS: Okay, you all…it's now time to call it a day. The last one inside gets all the nasty little leftovers.(The nurse leaves the door ajar as the other residents go inside. James Earl and Ida Mae remain behind, eager for one last chair race of the day.) IDA: Okay, they’re gone…this time, I’m gonna whup yo’ hiney, left and right.JAMES EARL: Broken promises, empty promises, more broken promises, and even more empty promises.(They position their chairs for the race, facing
the audience while still humiliating each other)
IDA: Yeah, we’ll surely see, especially since broken promises have always seemed to be your area of expertise.JAMES EARL: Trust me...you couldn’t beat me in a rocking chair race if your life depended on it. You got to be in shape to win rocking chair races...they ain't no punk.IDA: You care to put some money on that, smart mouth? Put your pennies and change where your boastin' mouth is.
JAMES EARL: How much you got to lose? Won't be any different this time...you know you going to lose like always, don't you?IDA: Don’t worry ‘bout how much I got…you better be worried about them empty pockets of yours when I win.JAMES EARL: You ought to be worried, because this time when you fall, I’m gonna roll your ugly housecoat right off the stage into the audience’s lap so the people can get a real close-up, Cluck Cluck.IDA: Shut up, Rooster! The only one kissing the front row this time is you. Hope you got breath mints.JAMES EARL: Cluck, Cluck.IDA: Can you spell ‘Bantam’?(The race begins, Ida Mae pushes James Earl's chair over, then gets atop and covers him while trying to kiss him as the audience sees only James Earl's flailing arms and legs trying to get her off him. Lights dim and the curtains close.)
*NOTE:* Select ideas suggested by Ms. Tricia Glover for production purposes.
Copyright © 2009 Kenny Love All Rights Reserved
Special Note (The legal fine print): This play has been copyrighted with the United States Copyright Office, and is registered with the Library of Congress. It is fully protected under both United States and International copyright laws. No changes or alterations may be made without first obtaining the expressed written consent of the playwright. Any and all feedback is welcomed, encouraged and greatly appreciated.